Top 5...Footballers that attempt to make music

When they are not earning loads of money training for a couple of hours each day, what do footballers do? One answer is music. However, unfortunately, the case is not simply listening to it. Some even make it. 

This week's Top 5 looks at footballers that have attempted to make music, from the ridiculous to the downright criminal.

Number 5 - Neil Danns aka Dannzy - Summer Flowers

A friend introduced me to this, telling me that it will make me feel like a new person. By 'new person', I can only assume they meant like a newborn child, screaming and crying. 

Number 4 - Clint Dempsey aka Deuce - Don't Tread

Fulham maestro turns his hand to hip-hop, and whilst actually not that bad a tune, it still is Clint Dempsey rapping. 

Number 3 - Piola Vago - Dejala

Well, a real turn up for the books. "Who are Piola Vago?" I hear you ask. The clue is in the video, and it's really a decision as to what is more embarrassing. Is it Carlos Tevez's dancing in the video, or is it the band that he plays with? I'm inclined to definitely go for his dancing, as I can't really complain about a style of music I have no idea about. 

Number 2 - Ryan Babel - Freestyle Rap

This really is quite abhorrent. It is what is wrong with the two worlds of football and hip-hop combined. Rapping about money, and how good you are is something that maybe only Lionel Messi could get away with, but since it's Ryan Babel, it really is quite disgusting. The video asks you to read the English translation. I would advise you - there's no point. It's more fun imagining what Babel should be actually rapping. 

Number 1 - Andy Cole - Outstanding

It has to be. This song is either the funniest oxymoron for a title of a song ever, or Cole genuinely thinks it's Outstanding. What makes this number one is the fact it was released, it has a proper video, and that it's Andy Cole embarrassing himself. Picking out single lyrics for praise is tough because they are all quite interesting, but 'United forever, whatever the weather' really does sound like it was written by a 5-year-old that had just learnt what a rhyming couplet is. Brilliant work. 

Victorious Vettel. Great for alliteration, bad for spectators.

This morning I turned on the TV to watch the start of the inaugural Indian Grand Prix. What a wonderful spectacle - all the pizzazz that we have grown accustomed to when India is on the global sport scene (maybe Commonwealth Games last year aside...), and all the expectation of a new nation on the Formula One calendar.

After the first corner of the race, I turned to my Dad and said: "That's it, Vettel's won." How formulaic. How annoying. After 10 seconds, there was no point in watching the next 90 minutes. The following coverage was mainly the battle for second, and the occasional flash of the ongoing saga of the Hamilton/Massa will they, won't they, oh yes, they have, kind of battle.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm a huge fan of F1. Even when it was on ITV. And I am also a huge fan of Sebastian Vettel. Rare thing, especially in F1, as I remember loathing that man Schumacher for many a year for winning over and over again. That kind of race was only made interesting by having the likes of Ukyo Katayama, and his will he, won't he, yes he will crash again.

Vettel victorious is something you will hear for a long, long time to come - and though the words go together like peas in a pod, it just means that we are watching for who comes second. I was talking to someone the other day who was saying how exciting it was when Webber was racing Hamilton a couple of weeks ago. I agreed - it was fantastic to watch. It was just, how can I watch it that intently when I know that Vettel is so far in the lead? It's like watching Tyson Gay when Usain Bolt broke the 100m world record - what's the point? When Bolt ran 9.58, the race for second was the battle, and actually led to Gay setting a fastest second world time - but because Bolt was so far in the lead, who cares?

The same goes with Vettel. What a superb driver, and what a fantastic team. What they do on a week to week basis is incredible. But by winning all the time, it means that people, like me, will resign to knowing that he will win after just 10 seconds. I for one cannot wait for another team to challenge again.

The old school song goes 'First the worst, second the best...' - and that's pretty much what TV coverage is going to have to get used to.

Here's to finishing second. 

Google Street View goes the extra mile (and indoors!)

Published for Platform Magazine.

“No, seriously, I can see the outside of your house”

“You’re freaking me out. You live in London don’t you?”

It was years ago that I was chatting to a mate on MSN Messenger (another sign of how long ago it was) who lived in Bournemouth. He was indeed correct, I did live in London. It was the day that Google Street View rolled out the national coverage of the UK. Instantly, you could see exactly where your friends lived. You could search for cool places, celebrity houses, and for some weird reason, the first place you’d search was always your own home.

Suggestion: Stand up, walk outside, use your eyes.

Today however, Google went that extra mile, as they always do. Today they rolled out their Street View indoors. Whereas before you could look at a shop, or restaurant, with longing eyes, now they welcome you in. Except of course, this adds to the pain of what you may be potentially be missing out on, by staring at said restaurant, on a monitor in front of you.

 ‘Google Business Photos’, as it is supposed to be named, is to allow businesses the opportunity for a photographer to take a picture of their business, put it up on their Street View service to allow for consumers and potential patrons to have a bit of a nose around before they come to the establishment.

To me, it’s brilliant. Maybe it is because I am exactly the type that wants to know exactly what is going on before I go to a place, but you can tell a lot about a place from the interior that you can’t from the exterior. I learnt that on Grand Designs.

Of course, there will be those that scream ‘PRIVACY!’, ‘HUMAN RIGHTS’, and ‘I DON’T TAKE A GOOD PHOTO!’ but these are all insignificant claims. One, it is a voluntary service. Whereas Google Street View wasn’t, Business Photos is a decision by the owner to show off their place. They agree to it, and it can surely provide excellent publicity. Two, employers and visitors will be warned when the shooting is taking place. And their faces will be blurred. Privacy is not an issue. If we got tetchy about every time we were under CCTV surveillance, we wouldn’t leave the house. Although that could be Google’s next step. Lastly, copyright issues may crop up here and there, as Google would presumably own the rights to the photos it takes. However, Google have said if the owner does not want the photos used for anything else, there is an opt out service.

The only concern I have for it is the fact that big-brand chains will not be photographed, and whether Gregg’s comes under this bracket. If it is photographed, not only will I have longing eyes, but also a drooling mouth.

Maybe it’s because I am nosey. Maybe it’s because I am unlikely to be majorly effected by photographs being taken. However, as a consumer, I would love to see whether the pub I’m going to is blood-stained or wine-stained. The sooner Google can photograph absolutely everything the better. I’ve had enough of going to places I think will be nice, only for it to turn out rubbish. Google Business Photos could finally be the solution.